Tomorrow America will celebrate Thanksgiving.
Or, as the Turkeys call it, “día de matanza.”
We were taught in school, years ago, that Columbus sailed his crew across the tub, greeted the Indians with a smile and an Apple Pie and they merrily farmed the land together, arm and arm. They feasted on corn and wild game until the European settlers realized there was more land to the west that they wanted.
That’s not quite how it happened according to a recently uncovered manuscript. In that tome, previously lost to History, we learn that Turkeys were the original settlers of America and the feast of Thanksgiving was not a feast at all.
Benjamin Franklin tried to memorialize the native Turkeys by making them the symbol of America. This, he hoped, would preserve their role in our nation’s founding.Unfortunately, he was shut down by those that felt the white hooded eagle better represented the new lands.
As an aside, It would later be revealed by disappointed hunters that the eagle was not, in fact, wearing a white hood, and it would be renamed to the even less accurate “bald” eagle by a bunch of aging men with receding hairlines – hoping it would make them seem cool.
We now know that when Columbus founded the Americas he slaughtered the local people. This has caused great consternation among those that enjoyed having the holiday off from work. What we have uncovered, however, is that Columbus was aided by an indigenous Turkey tribe called the “Partu” (later bastardized by a poor translation of a Spanish text to “Purdue”)
The Partu tribe had agreed to aid Columbus in exchange for Columbus helping them to regain their birth land. Columbus, in turn, would be allowed to have all the gold he could carry and claim to all lands beyond what a grown Partu could see from his evening roost.
The deal was struck and, under the cover of night, the Partu snuck into the local Indian camp and cut them down.
Columbus was appreciative of the help but not one to share a newly discovered land that could be converted into strip malls and theme parks. Not wanting to appear ungrateful, Columbus approached the Partu tribal leader in the town square and asked if there was anything more he and his men could offer in return for their help.
Content to have their land returned as promised, the Partu leader replied, “You need give us nothing more than a simple Thank You…”
What the Partu Leader did not know is that Columbus had hidden his crew in the surrounding shrubbery. At the moment the Partu leader’s last word was uttered – they sprang out and slaughtered the entire tribe right there where the townspeople had gathered.
Afterwards, as they sat cleaning their swords (of which the carving knife is a modern symbolic representation) they were said to joke “that’s all the thanks we’ll be giving.” This was eventually shortened to “Thanksgiving” over generations.
Thus, each year we gather our “crew” and brandish our “sword” to reenact the moment Columbus stole the land from the native Turkeys.
This is all in the history books. I’m pretty sure…